Dear Earth (The Age of Fire)

Dear Earth,

So, how are you guys doing? Things are going really well here, still. I was looking at my calendar this morning and realized what the date was … oops … my bad. I didn’t realize we were so close! Of course, you guys have been through this … what, 3 or 4 times before? If I remember correctly, the last one was the flood. Boy, was that insane! If Texas thinks they got a lot of water lately – they don’t know the half of it – not that I’m saying anyone there needs to build a big boat or anything…

The funny thing is, I thought I distinctly remembered St. Michael going down there to tell you guys the Age of Fire was next. I know … not a big deal … well, that is if you ignore the – wow – how do I put this? I couldn’t help but notice you guys built a lot of phallic shaped ‘silos’ and you sort of designed them to split the nucleus of an atom and, well – I mean, you guys did understand “Age of Fire”, right? Because, believe you me, I’d feel terrible if you misunderstood what that meant … or what 10,000 of those phallic silos could do. Wait a sec – hold the phone! Do you guys know that my Dad designed stars the same way? That would make total sense! If you’ve figured out that in the core of stars, atoms are being split all the time releases billions of pounds of… hey – you’re not trying to make a big star on Earth, are you? Look – I know stars are pretty, but, um – recreating that on the surface of your planet may ‘not’ be such a great idea …. I’m just sayin!

Speaking of phallic symbols – I was laughing with the guys the other day at just how sensitive Dad made your reproductive organs. Wow- was that torture, or what? You guys having sex has to be the most grotesque and awkward experience – ever! Blood, sweat, muscle spams, heart strains, bodily fluids, diseases – and all just to reproduce?!? I’m sure glad I don’t have to deal with that. Makes sense tho – Dad making your organs so sensitive – that is. How else could He have ever convinced you guys to do that? What? You don’t think Dad doesn’t have a sense of humor? Who do you think gave the gay community the idea of justifying their behavior by comparing themselves to same-sex penguins locked in a zoo? Penguins! That’s hilarious! Oh … but, you’re probably not laughing … so – moving on?

Look, I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked – and well – it shows. Listen, I promise that I’m going to make more time from now on to say “hi” every now and then. I don’t want you guys getting the wrong impression and thinking I’ve forgotten you or anything – heck – you’re all that’s left! No way I’m not gonna be there for you!

Well, ’till next time – peace out!!

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