Dear Earth – Return to Sender??

So, how’s it going? Life treating you well? Should be … I did do the whole suffrage thing for you (ha ha)! That aside, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.

You see, I know a few billion of you have prayed and asked for better leaders, better doctors, kinder people, and the like … but there’s a problem.

We keep getting these returned packages, marked, ‘Return to Sender.’ Now, the funny thing is, ‘Return to Sender’ is an intentional return, like it arrived and was then sent back!

Also, I know that we have the right address, because, last time I was down there (which was only a couple thousand years ago), you guys weren’t exactly ready to move, yet. In fact, based on what we have here on the books, that’s not going to happen … for a while.

So …. Um …. What’s up?

I mean, after all, YOU guys did ask us to ship these over to you! We don’t have a very good return policy here and I don’t take lightly to having to come up with some lame excuse for those folks who were ready to go, just for you! Frankly, the line’s a little backed up, too. I mean … how are you doing this? They’re not even being born into the world?? WTF? Since when did you guys find a way to undo pregnancy? Because … that’s how this works. You have sex / place an order, and we fill it. You get pregnant, we send down the soul, and *poof* – life! That’s the process, anyways.

You do know that, right? I thought my dad had this discussion with you guys, waaaay back at the beginning, when YOU asked to procreate. Sure, I get it, you already know that was all part of, “the plan,” to begin with. But, it wasn’t like you were tricked or conned into this. A hundred and fifty thousand years of population is more than enough for any species to figure out that sex leads to reproduction.

Are you not happy with what we’re sending? Do you realize that we’ve already had returned: two, future world leaders of peace; thirty would-be heroes; fourteen future scientists (who were supposed to cure the common cold … finally!), and a whole lot more? Look, I can only do so much to help. You say the prayer and I send you the answer … but then you return it?? WHAT’S UP WITH THAT??!!

I’m really not trying to be mean, here. I’m just trying to understand. What on Earth could possibly possess you to send these back (like the scientist who would have had the cure for cancer 14 years from now if you’d taken him 10 years ago)? This whole inter-dimensional, trans-existence thing isn’t really as easy as you might think. There’s a LOT of channels to go through, getting these down to you!! I have to go through 7 different checkpoints, 7 levels of customs, and 7 random freight inspections every time I send one of these down there. It’s a LOT of work! You guys could show a little courtesy and, oh, I don’t know, STOP ordering ones you DON’T WANT!

After all, it’s not difficult. Just … don’t … BREED! Look, I don’t know if you’re doing this on your own, or if one of my more malignant bro’s are down there causing havoc, but this just isn’t healthy behavior! It’s not like you have an infinite number of orders. You will run out. Dad designed it that way to keep this very thing from happening! I’m not asking a lot here … just show a little respect, okay? After all, nobody returned YOU! How would YOU like it if I returned all of YOUR prayers unanswered, huh? You know something … you know what … YOU wouldn’t even be alive! With the way you guys treat one another, your species would be WIPED OUT if it weren’t for Dad letting me intervene.

Oh, look, here comes another one! Oh GREAT! Just GREAT! Right as I was finishing up my letter and starting to relax, you send ANOTHER unborn soul back up here! Why? This one was AMAZING!

If you guys don’t stop this … well … I’m just saying … it’s not gonna be a good thing! I’m trying to give you a heads up, here. I can’t help you with what’s coming if you don’t quit sending back the help!

Hey, I’m willing to work with you! If you don’t want one of these incredible lives for your very own, then just abstain from having sex. It’s … pretty easy, actually. It’s not like you guys are monkeys … well … you haven’t all turned into monkeys, yet, have you? Geeze … I hope not. That would really make my next visit a total bummer …. I dislike bananas. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, these souls … they’re top quality; best of the best. Each one is handpicked just for you. So, do me a favor, and stop sending them back, please!

After all, it’s already going to take a lot of work, time, and effort to make up for the packages you’ve already returned! So, you help me, and promise, I’ll help you. Okay? We’re a team, we can do this, together!

By the way, good talking with you! Always nice to be able to offer a little guidance without the whole “crucifixion,” thing!! Talk again, soon!



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