Gods of Egypt: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly; A Movie Review *Spoilers*

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If you go online and read the reviews, one might think this is the worst film in history. After having sat through it in a Real-D 3D theater, I can say – those reviews are defunct and belong in the trash with rest of Hollywood’s garbage. Gods of Egypt delivered – WELL. By the way, sorry in advance … I had to spend as much time countering the epic-idiocy of other reviews as I did writing this one. *Sigh*.

So, here goes, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly:

The Good:

Gods of Egypt is nothing more than a story set in so-called “ancient Egypt”, where the Gods are warring with one another and the people are innocently caught up in the fray. So, while not a new story, it did not promise, or deliver, more than what was expected. However, it was a fun story, providing a few, creative views into the lives and roles of the Gods. Ra, the Sun God, played by Geoffrey Rush, sailed his boat through the sky battling Apep, the demon. The CGI was very well done and the audio was incredible (not to mention the score for the entire movie).

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Horus (Nikolai Coster-Waldau), son of Osiris (Bryan Brown), lost his eyes in a vengeance fight against his father’s murderer, Set (played by Gerard Butler). Horus’ vanity came through extremely well on screen. He spent less time mourning his father’s death and more time playing war as a god – which is what his role demanded. Horus’ love interest, Hathor (Elodie Yung), was a cross between the Egyptian Goddess of love and the underworld – a role very well suited to her.

There have been a lot of insults thrown out there against the actors as “blah.” Of course, these same insults come from the brain-dead critics who have come to expect “sex,” “nudity,” and cruddy dialogue as their end-all and be-all of good acting. These are the same critics that raged about Adam Driver as Kylo Ren in Star Wars 7 (and if you’re on that bandwagon – don’t bother reading this review – you’re lost in the crap that Hollywood’s been feeding you). The very same critics that “hailed” Star Wars 7, the Avengers, and Harry Potter for its CGI, ripped apart Gods of Egypt for using an extensive amount of CGI – very, very good CGI by the way (to which nobody seems to contend). Apparently, the critics don’t grasp the idea that floating space barges, planet eating worms, pyramids with living/moving bricks, and the like, require a little CGI to pull it off (in fact, the scenes were so epic and so elaborate there was little else that could be done). The commercials were clear about the CGI and I for one, was going to a movie for once, to actually see the CGI (as it looked incredible in the previews). It’s true that there’s CGI in almost every scene – but that’s because EVERY SCENE is extremely epic!! Shame on these idiot critics. …. (Independence Day 2 must already be doomed … because alien tech requires a lot of CGI!!)

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(Apparently, Director Alex Proyas was not aware that Smaug was a REAL dragon and therefore fell short in the above scene, making the Sphinx CGI vs. using the real thing … ???)

Most of them seem to be upset that the movie was shot in Australia, and not Egypt. To this I reply: #1) 99.9999% of these critics have never been to either country and couldn’t tell the difference between the two, and #2) for those critics who believe that the Lord of the Rings was really shot in Middle Earth … need to be shut down – period.

Even the supporting character roles were well played. Thoth (played by Chadwick Boseman), had just enough funny lines and dialogue to make his presence more than just filler and helped break into the fast-paced story with some well-deserved breaks. There have been critiques of the fact that the gods and people were not all black. Two arguments to this: 1) These were “the gods”, not the people – and frankly, they could have been purple; 2) if this is about the Emmy’s, or Oscars, or whatever else is going on that’s racially and politically motivated – those critics need to go pound sand, and 3) For every movie with a black character playing a role that would have never been, especially a historically-set movie, nobody complains about those!! Honestly – this nonsense about black and white / diversity of characters is the most embarrassing crap ever published on the internet and every critic and every person who’s on that bandwagon needs an enema – SERIOUSLY!! First of all … “MYTHOLOGICAL” – PLEASE, for the love of all that’s good … LOOK IT UP. Second, a “fertile” Africa would NOT have been a desert… thus … the citizenship, whilst maybe not “milky” white – would not have necessarily not also have been diverse. Maybe it could have been … but we have no historical evidence against black and white migration patterns that sufficiently could “force” this historical accuracy issue – especially for mythological gods. I’m not sayin’ not to have black folks, chinese folks, or any other type of folks … I’m sayin’, hire the right actor for the job (whomever interviews best), and to everyone else … GET OVER IT. The term is called: “Suspension of disbelief.” Those who can – enjoy movies, books, and life. Those who can’t – are idiots that feed on the teet of Hollywoods’ B.S. movies and … politicians. This party is getting batsh*t crazy … for real! (and yes, I’m borrowing that quote). After all … Star Wars takes place across an ENTIRE galaxy… and the chance for diversity would have been 9000 times greater (yes, I made that number up … it’s probably bigger) … but I don’t think Sam Jackson or Jar Jar Binks was a sufficient representation of “diversity”. Yet … nobody shut down George Lucas or Disney? See the issue? This IS politically motivated and is hurting an otherwise really fun movie.

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(Just remember … there were no black people in the making of this film … or at least that’s how the critics act … so the picture above is just an optical illusion)

Several, excellent scenes that are of worthy mention include the overall city of the gods, as it really reflected what one would imagine such a place to look like, and adherence to cultural phenomenon of the time (elephants as modes of heavy-transportation, gold shields to blind the enemy, etc.). Of course, you’re going to hear a lot of complaints out there about the historical “inaccuracy” of the scenes. For example: “Pyramids weren’t built in cities,” and “they certainly didn’t have pedestrian superhighways”. For those who already know this answer, I apologize. For the rest of the people who lack ANY education at all: that is a lie. Why? Reason #1: We have no proof the god’s existed, so frustration over the portrayal of a historically accurate scene of a mythological time is the most STUPID complaint anyone can make. Reason #2: For anyone who may have the most basic knowledge, there’s evidence that Africa used to be a LOT more fertile – but that’s buried underneath countless miles of sand – somewhat like the Mojave desert. As there are cities found under the ocean with roadways, and fortress-like walls from ancient times such as those in Machu-Pichu, and other such wonders … Lionsgate and the Director, Alex Proyas, did a PHENOMENAL job showing us what a city run by gods whose blood is made of gold, would look like! Really … this is frustrating!! I would try to explain further how unbelievably unintelligible these critics are – but I’ve run out of “clean” words in the English dictionary to portray the astounding level of overwhelming stupidity … REALLY – MYTHOLOGICAL … NOT REAL … MEANS … “NO” to HISTORICAL ACCURACY!!

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(I think the critics are okay with the giant snake – he was portrayed getting dental work done … which is pretty accurate … 0.o)

The Bad:

There were a few drawbacks in the movie that fell a little short.

The first, most noticeable fail in the movie is the “oomph” in the story (it was very shallow and lacked depth). Although the story was easy to follow while also being face-paced, there was “something” lacking to bring it all together. Perhaps it was the fact that the story was so rushed and therefore made some of the scenes (such as Ra going to fight the demon Apep and in minutes, moving on), seem superfluous and filler. Other scenes, like Bek (played by Brenton Thwaites), jumping through the pyramid while the Gods stood helpless seemed a bit contrived. Fortunately, it was saved with excellent humor from Thoth. It was this lack of emotion in the overall story (not individual acting), that hurt the movie the most. It was easy to know what would happen from the beginning – there were no surprises. Although some of the fight scenes were pretty thrilling, the story line was always headed in one direction – and for the cost (and the 3D was better here than Star Wars 7, but not great), that is a real bummer for this film. So, yay, the hero learns humility and is fully restored – an old tail. And, yes, the superman teams up with the batman and together, they do the impossible – not really “fantastic”. Even a little butt-kicking from Hathor would have been “fun,” and unexpected. Too much cliche.

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(The sexy “not” Kurt Russell)

Bek, and his love interest, Zaya (played by Courtney Eaton), were less than “enjoyful”. Even though each of the actors were good, their dialogue was often times forced into sequenced timing (for the story’s sake), that took away from an opportunity for an otherwise, more natural feel. Worse, Bek was the proverbial “Alladin/Prince of Egypt” character, a very cliche move by the writers. There were opportunities to do bigger and better things with these two, but for what we got out of them in an action-packed movie, it wasn’t too bad.

As for accuracy to Egyptian history, there seemed to be some very complex combinations of stories going on. The combining of the armor of the Gods to defeat Tiamat is an old story – but even I’m not sure if that scene fit in well in this movie.

The Ugly:

Like all movies, there are always going to be those “oopses”, that exceed forgivable.

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(The sophisticated bad guy – and he’s REALLY good at it!)

Toward the end, as Horus, Bek, and the engineer (and I apologize for not having the reference to this actor), were riding an elevator up the final obelisk to take on the bad guy. Horus told Bek to be careful, they needed the engineer to reach the top – and then jumped off the elevator and started climbing. It was very confusing at first, but became clear a little afterward, what he was doing. Unfortunately, the movie fell short again when Bek killed the engineer in a fight and still made it to the top.

The end of the movie featured Horus flying off to save his beloved from the Land of the Dead, seemingly taking his sweet time (by taking the scenic route), and then possibly leaving the end open for a sequel (something I’m personally intolerable of as Hollywood has come to believe this is an acceptable way to sell their movies within the movie you’ve already paid for … and I don’t PAY for commercials in my movie theater …  movie!!!).

It was confusing as to why Hathor couldn’t use her charms to control Set, vs. having to leap into bed with him. That was, frankly, lazy writing (unless I just flat out missed it).

Bringing back Bek and Zaya, which was “impossible”, was … movie convenience. For anyone who’s read my reviews – that’s my pet peeve. This is no different. The two of them could have moved on to the afterlife together, or Bek could have been elevated to the status of a god. Or even better … it could have been revealed that Bek was related to the gods and been a fun twist (for example). Anything other than “Alladin gets the girl and gets to live in the palace!” (Even the “Cave of Wonders” idea / Indiana Jones dodging the swords scene was a little difficult to swallow – FUN TO WATCH – but difficult to swallow).

Conclusion:

Here’s the deal: this movie is NOT for typical movie-goers. This movie was written for people with a slightly higher level of intelligence. It take a lot of knowledge to fill in the blanks, make the historical connections, and grasp the humor. The cast was made up of some very fine actors who delivered their performance and did so very well.

I would love to give this movie a 10 out of 10 – but, I can’t. For the CGI, the soundtrack, the audio, and directing: 100% dead on (for each)! As for the actors … there were a few areas that were rushed and could have been so much more, and was mixed with a lot of shallow acting without much depth – so about 80%. As to the story itself – This is where the film fell flat. I got what I expected but was let down when Hollywood didn’t give this movie its full efforts: 55%. And, for the folks who can’t let race go and struggle to hold on to their racist ways, as for diversity, 40%. Combined, I’d give this film an 8 OUT OF 10!!! If you want to just see a fun movie this year that’s not full-up with sex, drugs, and abuse (like the majority of the rest of Hollywood’s drivel)- then this is a great one for you. If you like the CGI and audio and just want to enjoy that – then go!!

To the reviewers and critics out there who felt otherwise: they clearly just need a little more education and a little less sheep-feeding sewage from Hollywood. Now, go see the movie in regular (not 3D) format, and enjoy it!

You’re not fit to be king, it’s my turn now ….

The Pharaoh – with Jerzy Zelnik – Polish, not Black; Pharoah Kahmunra – Night of the Museum 2 – Hank Azaria – VERY white; The Ten Commandments – Yul Brynnyr – still not Black; Exodus, Gods & Kings, the 300, The Mummy (not even the Rock “officially” counts as black … just kidding), and so on and so on … ; Taylor Lautner … Native American? Twighlight …; Keanu Reeves … 47 Ronin – not Asian

Just adding this in for everyone – the actual moviegoers, especially if you read the reviews on Fandango, have ended up with 4 out of 5 stars loving it. So …. critics … take that!

 

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